Star Wars Episode I: The Definitive MiSTing
by McCord
Summary: (Updated!) The beginning of the ripping of TPM
1. Part 1

MST3K: _Star Wars: The Phantom Menace_   
  
By: McCord   
  
Disclaimer: In no way am I claiming that the Episode I script is mine. It is Lucas', through and through. I'm just borrowing it for entertainment value. Also, the characters therein are also Lucas', and the characters of Mike, Tom, and Crow are the property of whoever owns MST3K. Please don't sue.   
  


* * *

  
  
Setting: SOL Theater   
  
_(Crow, Mike, and Tom enter and sit)   
  
TOM: So, Mike, why exactly are we here?   
  
MIKE: I'm not really sure. Must be punishment for destroying Dr. F's Slave Leia cardboard standup.   
  
SERVO: But why Episode I? It's a decent movie.   
  
MIKE: Two words: Jar-Jar   
  
BOTS (together): Ahhhh….   
  
(Movie begins to roll)_   
  
EXT. SPACE (FX)   
  
TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....   
  
_TOM: …an annoying creature named Jar-Jar Binks was born. And…   
  
MIKE: Um, Tom, it's a little early for the Jar-Jar jokes. You'll have plenty of time later.   
  
TOM: Oh, okay._   
  
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll-up, which crawls   
  
_CROW (as baby): Goo-goo?_   
  
into infinity.   
  
EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE   
  
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.   
  
_MIKE: Oh, so the movie's about the Democratic national convention._   
  
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy   
  
_MIKE: Oh, never mind. It's the Republican national convention._   
  
Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the congress of the Republic endlessly depates this alarming   
  
_ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!_   
  
chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....   
  
PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great speed.   
  
_ALL: Ahhh! It's coming right for us!_   
  
PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.   
  
_TOM: Which all attack it one at a time, allowing the planet to fend every one of them off, like Jackie Chan._   
  
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT   
  
In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one of the battleships.   
  
QUI-GON: (off-screen voice) Captain   
  
_CROW (Kirk): …log, star date 1.543.69.A. These are the voyages…   
  
(Mike clamps his hand over Crow's beak)   
  
MIKE: It's also way too early for the Star Trek jokes._   
  
The CAPTAIN turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.   
  
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?   
  
QUI-GON: (V.O.) Tell them we wish   
  
_ALL (singing): When you wish upon a star… _   
  
to board at once.   
  
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.   
  
The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.   
  
CAPTAIN: (Cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation,   
  
_CROW (Captain): Yeah, right._   
  
the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.   
  
NUTE: Yes, yes, of course...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy   
  
_TOM (Nute): If you'd just piss off._   
  
to receive the Ambassador...Happy to.   
  
The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms even closer.   
  
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)   
  
The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation battleship.   
  
_MIKE (Space cruiser to Federation battleship): Are you my mother?_   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE   
  
A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay.   
  
_CROW (TC-14): Wow, I actually got as much screen time as C-3PO!_   
  
The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the docking bay. Two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.   
  
_MIKE (dark robed figured): I claim sanctuary._   
  
TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.   
  
_TOM (Igor): Walk this way, Master._   
  
They move off down the hallway.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM   
  
A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.   
  
TC-14:I hope your honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): Yes, well, we have a TALL order of business to discuss with your master.   
  
MIKE and TOM groan.   
  
MIKE: That was horrible._   
  
The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN. He backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods   
  
_MIKE (Jedi): Hmmm… everything looks fine with your engine. You sure you had enough gas?   
  
CROW: Oh, that was MUCH better than mine._   
  
and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo. QUI-GON, sixty years old, has very long dark hair. He is tall and striking,   
  
_TOM (Peter Gammons): And I must say the striking veteran righty from Coruscant, Qui-Gon Jinn, is the favorite for the Cy Young this year. 'Striking,' get it? Huh? Hey, where'd everyone go?_   
  
with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty-five, with very short brown hair, bale skin, and blue eyes. Several exotic, bird-like creatures SING in a cage near the door.   
  
OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Oh, that starts this mission off on a postive note._   
  
QUI-GON: I don't sense anything.   
  
OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something...elsewhere...elusive...   
  
_TOM: Then why the hell are you worrying about it?!_   
  
QUI-GON: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.   
  
OBI-WAN: Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Of course, Yoda also says that he's Humphrey Bogart, but that's besides the point._   
  
QUI-GON: ...but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): What'd you call me? Where I'm from, them's fightin' words, mister._   
  
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master... How do you think this trade viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): …that he participate in the annual BBQ cook off to settle this whole trade dispute thingy?_   
  
QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.   
  
_(Mike clamps down on Crow's beak before another short/tall joke can be uttered.)   
  
TOM: Thank you._   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRY DOFINE stand, stunned,   
  
_MIKE: after smoking the biggest joint they'd ever seen in their life.   
  
TOM: Mike, it said 'stunned,' not 'stoned.'   
  
MIKE: Oh. Oops._   
  
before TC-14.   
  
_CROW (Alotta Fagina): How dare you break wind before me!_   
  
NUTE:(shaken)   
  
_TOM: ...not stirred._   
  
What?!? What did you say?   
  
_TOM (TC-14): Are you deaf or something?_   
  
TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.   
  
_MIKE (TC-14): Of course, that's what I believe. You could believe they are giant cockroaches from Zarquon VI and I couldn't dispute it, for that is what they are to you._   
  
DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement, eh. Blind me,   
  
_Crow pokes Dofine in the eyes._   
  
we're done for!   
  
NUTE: Stay calm! I'll wager   
  
_MIKE (Nute): …the droid army and my class ring that you don't have anything to beat my full house._   
  
the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Sidious.   
  
DOFINE:Are you brain dead?   
  
_ALL: Obviously._   
  
I'm not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.   
  
_CROW (Marvin): Of course, send the droid. Who cares about a droid?_   
  
DOFINE turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN sit at the large conference table.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Check. Your move._   
  
OBI-WAN: Is it their nature to make us wait this long?   
  
The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters with a tray of drinks and food.   
  
QUI-GON: No...I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as   
  
_CROW: Trivial Pursuit?   
  
TOM: Win Ben Stein's Money?   
  
MIKE: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?_   
  
this trade dispute.   
  
_ALL: Oh._   
  
OBI-WAN takes a drink.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Hmm… this coffee tastes like crap.   
  
CROW (Qui-Gon): That's because it is crap.   
  
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Oh, good, it's not just me then. (sips again) Kind of nutty._   
  
(Mike, Crow, and Tom stand to leave)   
  
_MIKE: This isn't so bad so far.   
  
TOM: That's just because we haven't gotten to Jar-Jar.   
  
MIKE: Unfortunately, you've hit the nail on the head with that one._   
  


* * *

  
  
_(Mike, Tom, and Crow reenter)   
  
MIKE: Well, here we go again.   
  
TOM: Oh, lucky us.   
  
CROW: We're going to have to see Jar-Jar this time 'round, right?_   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
NUTE, DOFINE, and RUNE HAAKO are before the hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.   
  
_MIKE: It's the Phantom of the Opera!_   
  
DOFINE: ...This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious.   
  
_TOM (Dofine): As will your friends…   
  
CROW (Sidious): Hey! That's a good line! I'll have to remember that for 'Return of the Jedi'!_   
  
The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are of me, Dofine. I am amused... Viceroy!   
  
_MIKE (Sidious): But not amused enough! Dance for me… and one, and two…_   
  
NUTE, looking very nervous, steps   
  
_CROW: … on his shoe lace and falls flat on his face._   
  
forward.   
  
NUTE: Yes, My Lord.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: I don't want that stunted slime   
  
_ALL: Ouch_   
  
in my sight again...do you understand?   
  
NUTE Yes, My Lord.   
  
Nute gives DOFINE a fierce look, and DOFINE, terrified, rushes off the bridge.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: This turn of events is unfortunate.   
  
_CROW (Sidious): With John dead, the Beatles will never get back together._   
  
We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.   
  
NUTE:Ahhh, My Lord, is that...legal?   
  
_TOM (Nute): I mean, I want to be big and muscular like Mark McGuire as much as the next person, but steroids? I don't know…_   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: I will make it legal.   
  
_MIKE (Sidious): Soon, a deep romantic love between a man and his donkey will be… um, did I say that outloud?_   
  
NUTE: And the...Jedi??   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.   
  
NUTE: Ye...yes, My Lord. As you wish.   
  
_CROW (Lando): This deal's getting worse all the time._   
  
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT-DOCKING BAY   
  
In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT look up and see a gun turret swing   
  
_TOM (gun turret): Push me! I want to go higher! Higher!_   
  
around and point directly at them   
  
PILOT: Captain!? Look!!   
  
_MIKE (Pilot): It's Alicia Silverstone! Can I get her autograph?_   
  
CAPTAIN: No! Warn...   
  
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HANGAR BAY-SPACE (FX)   
  
The battleship gun fires. The Republic cruiser EXPLODES.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN leap to a standing position   
  
_BOTS: (snickering)   
  
MIKE: Huh? Hey, behave…_   
  
with their lightsabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the drinks on its tray.   
  
TC-14: Ahhh...Sorry, sir. The Viceroy...   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn off their swords and listen intently. A faint hissing sound   
  
_CROW (Crocodile Hunter): That there is the mating call of the dangerous pink rattle snake, one of the three most dangerous snakes in the world._   
  
can be heard.   
  
OBI-WAN: Gas!   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Sorry, my fault._   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN each take a sudden deep breath and hold it. The exotic bird-like creatures in the cage drop dead.   
  
_MIKE (John Cleese): This is an ex-parrot!_   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY   
  
A hologram of NUTE, surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS,   
  
_TOM: Man, this guy has a kick-ass entourage. _   
  
appears in the conference room hallway.   
  
NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.   
  
The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): I said I was sorry!_   
  
BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke.   
  
_MIKE (drunk): Whoa, that's one killer party._   
  
It is TC-14, carrying the tray of drinks.   
  
TC-14: Oh, excuse me, so sorry.   
  
The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing lightsabers fly out of the deadly fog,   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Okay, okay! I had Taco Bell for lunch! I said I was sorry twice now!_   
  
cutting down several BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
The bridge is a cacophony of alarms.   
  
_ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!_   
  
NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-1 on the view screen.   
  
OWO-1:...Not sure exactly what...   
  
OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives NUTE a worried look.   
  
NUTE: What in blazes   
  
_CROW (Smokey): Only you can prevent forest fires._   
  
is going on down there?   
  
RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?   
  
_TOM (Nute): Well, once, but I was really drunk, and I woke up the next morning… um, no, never._   
  
NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't...(panicked) Seal off the bridge...   
  
RUNE: That won't be enough, sir.   
  
_CROW (Nute): Well, thank you Captain Obvious._   
  
The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.   
  
NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!   
  
RUNE: We will not survive this.   
  
_MIKE (Hitler): Here, try this cyanide capsule. It got me out of a similar situation._   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE   
  
QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): I use Herbal Essences. Hmmm…   
  
CROW (Obi-Wan): I want the shampoo he's using._   
  
of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Obi-Wan, did you forget your deodorant again?_   
  
QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut   
  
_TOM: …a rug.   
  
(Mike and Crow start dancing)_   
  
through it.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying   
  
_CROW: It's spring, and love is in the air…_   
  
around the bridge door. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Hi Mom! Hi Master Yoda!_   
  
NUTE: Close the blast doors!!   
  
_TOM (Stormtrooper): Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!_   
  
The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound   
  
_CROW (Crocodile Hunter): All right, mate, hear that? We're getting closer to it… careful…_   
  
as the huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON stabs the door with his lightsaber. The screens go black   
  
_TOM: Why does it always have to be a black thing?!_   
  
as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.   
  
RUNE:...They're still coming through!   
  
On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.   
  
NUTE: Impossible!! This is impossible!!   
  
_MIKE (Nute): Inconceivable!   
  
TOM (Rune): You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means._   
  
RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE   
  
Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they stop and transform   
  
_CROW (Barf): It's not a wheel, it's a Transformer!_   
  
into their battle configuration. QUI-GON can't see them but senses their presence.   
  
QUI-GON: Destroyer droids!   
  
OBI-WAN: Offhand, I'd say this mission is past the negotiation stage.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Smart ass._   
  
The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three hallways, blasting away with their laster guns. They stop firing and stand in a semi-circle as the smoke clears. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.   
  
_TOM (David Copperfield): Ta-da!_   
  
P-59: Switch to bio...There they are!   
  
The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash through a doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast away at the two Jedi with their lightsabers.   
  
OBI-WAN: They have shield generators!   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Thank you, Captain Obvious.   
  
TOM: Uh, Mike, we've used that one.   
  
MIKE: I know.   
  
TOM: Just checking._   
  
QUI-GON: It's a standoff! Let's go!   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen as the WHEEL DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.   
  
RUNE: We have them on the run, sir...they're no match for destroyer droids.   
  
TEY HOW:   
  
_CROW (sarcastically): Now that's not obviously Japanese!_   
  
Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-MAIN BAY   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen.   
  
_TOM (battle droid): There they are!   
  
MIKE (Qui-Gon): Crap._   
  
Thousands of BATTLE DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.   
  
QUI-GON: Battle droids.   
  
OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.   
  
QUI-GON: It's an odd play for the Trade Federation.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): They should have intentionally walked Castillo to get to the pitcher._   
  
We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum. Let's split up. Stow aboard seperate ships and meet down on the planet.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): (leaving) Where are you going?   
  
MIKE (Obi-Wan): I'm going with you.   
  
TOM (Qui-Gon): No, no. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.   
  
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Ah._   
  
OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): I hate it when your in this type of mood._   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE   
  
TEY HOW receives a transmission.   
  
_MIKE (teenage girl): Hello? Oh, hi Joanie. I know, isn't he just so cute?!_   
  
TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.   
  
RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.   
  
_TOM (Rune): And not the decoy._   
  
NUTE: At last we're getting results.   
  
On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room. Wearing her elaborate headdress and robes, she sits,   
  
_CROW (President Skroob): I told you never to call me on this wall. This is a non-listed wall!_   
  
surrounded by the GOVERNING COUNCIL and FOUR HANDMAIDENS,   
  
_MIKE: Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, and Doc._   
  
EIRTAÉ, YANÉ, RABÉ, and SACHÉ   
  
NUTE: (Cont'd) Again you come before me,   
  
_MIKE: Don't think about it, Crow.   
  
CROW: What?_   
  
Your Highness. The Federation is pleased.   
  
AMIDALA: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy...Your trade   
  
_TOM: ..for Barry Larkin was rejected._   
  
boycott of our planet has ended.   
  
NUTE smirks at RUNE.   
  
_MIKE (Rune): Don't look at me that way! It's disturbing._   
  
NUTE: I was not aware of such a failure.   
  
_CROW (Nute): I swear I passed "Trade Boycotts 101."_   
  
AMIDALA: I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.   
  
NUTE: I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.   
  
AMIDALA: Enough of this pretense, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach   
  
_TOM: …out and touch someone._   
  
a settlement.   
  
NUTE: I know nothing about any Ambassadors...you must be mistaken.   
  
AMIDALA, surprised   
  
_ALL: Suprise! Happy Birthday Amidala!_   
  
at his reaction, studies him carefully.   
  
_CROW (Amidala): I sure hope the material about Nute won't be on the test._   
  
AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy...the Federation is going too far this time.   
  
NUTE: Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the Senate.   
  
_MIKE (Nute): Aside from invading your planet, of course._   
  
You assume too much.   
  
AMIDALA: We will see.   
  
The QUEEN fades off, and the view screen goes black.   
  
_TOM (Dark Helmet): What did you do?   
  
CROW (Colonel Sandurez): I turned the screen off.   
  
TOM (Dark Helmet): No you didn't! You turned off the movie!_   
  
RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never...   
  
NUTE: It's too late now.   
  
RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?   
  
NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.   
  
_MIKE (Rune): (mutters) Oh, that won't tip them off._   
  
INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM   
  
The QUEEN, EIRTAÉ, SACHÉ and her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, stand before a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.   
  
_ALL: EVIL, HE'S EVIL!!!_   
  
PALPATINE: ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate...   
  
_TOM (Palpatine): Damn this speech impediment._   
  
The hologram of PALPATINE sputters and fades away.   
  
AMIDALA: Senator Palpatine?!? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?   
  
_MIKE (Panaka): For a Queen, you're not very smart, are you?_   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to the SERGEANT.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA: Check the transmission generators....   
  
BIBBLE: A malfunction?   
  
CAPT. PANAKA: It could be the Federation is jamming us, Your Highness.   
  
BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion!   
  
_MIKE (Amidala): Thank you, Captain Obvious.   
  
(Tom and Crow glare at Mike)_   
  
AMIDALA: Don't jump   
  
_CROW (Riggs): You're not the only one who's thought of this. Want a smoke? I just want to talk to you._   
  
to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that far.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA: The Senate would revoke their trade franchise, and they'd be finished.   
  
AMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.   
  
_MIKE: Like that's helped so far._   
  
BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost   
  
_CROW: Now that's a defeatist attitude if I've ever seen one._   
  
all communications!   
  
_CROW: Oh._   
  
...and where are the Chancellor's Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.   
  
_TOM: Look out for Charlie! He's in the trees!_   
  
AMIDALA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.   
  
EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT-TWILIGHT (FX)   
  
Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.   
  
_MIKE: Bomber One to Mother Hen, come in Mother Hen, do you copy?_   
  
EXT. NABOO SWAMP-SHALLOW LAKE-TWILIGHT   
  
Three landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation warships land in the eerie swamp.   
  
_CROW (Luke): Artoo, I'm going to start the landing cycle._   
  
OBI-WAN's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.   
  
_TOM: And the legend of the Swamp Thing is reborn._   
  
For in the background, the activities of the invasion force can be seen in the mist. OBI-WAN takes several deep breaths,   
  
_MIKE (Yoga instructor): That's right. In and out… now, concentrate on your happy place. Obi-Wan, where are you?   
  
TOM (Obi-Wan): I'm trading stocks on AmeriTrade for only 8 bucks a trade._   
  
then disappears again under the muddy swamp. Troop Transports (MTT's) emerge from the landing craft.   
  
EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP/GRASS PLAINS-TWILIGHT (FX)   
  
The droid invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain. OOM   
  
_ALL (chanting): Oooom…. Oooom…._   
  
-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY   
  
_CROW (football announcer): I don't know, Oom, I have to go with Navy in this game. They just have the better overall football team._   
  
marching across the rolling hills. A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE stands on the tank.   
  
RUNE: ...and there is no trace of the Jedi.   
  
_MIKE (Rune): I never was a very good artist anyway._   
  
They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.   
  
OOM-9: If they are down here, sir, we'll find them. We are moving out of the swamp and are marching on the cities. We are meeting no resistance.   
  
_ALL: We are the Borg. Resistance is futile._   
  
NUTE: Excellent.   
  
_CROW (Garth): Party on Wayne.   
  
TOM (Wayne): Party on Garth._   
  
EXT. NABOO SWAMP-TWILIGHT   
  
QUI-GON runs through the strange landscape,   
  
_MIKE (Azeem): A strange place this… England._   
  
glancing back to see the monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run past him in a panic.   
  
_CROW (Cow): Eat mor chickun._   
  
An odd, frog-like Gungan, JAR JAR BINKS,   
  
_ALL: NOOOO!   
  
MIKE: For the love of humanity!_   
  
squats holding a clam he has retrieved from the murky swamp. The shell pops open. JAR JAR's great tongue snaps out and grabs the clam, swallowing it in one gulp.   
  
_CROW: Kill me now…_   
  
JAR JAR looks up and sees QUI-GON and the other creatures running like the wind toward him. One of the huge MTT's bears down on the JEDI like a charging locomotive.   
  
_TOM: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…_   
  
JAR JAR stands transfixed, still holding the clam shell in one hand.   
  
JAR JAR: Oh, nooooooooo!   
  
_ALL: Run him over! Run him over!_   
  
JAR JAR drops the shell and grabs onto QUI-GON as he passes. The JEDI is caught by surprise.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): What the hell?!_   
  
JAR JAR:(Cont'd) Hey, hep me! Hep me!!   
  
QUI-GON: Let go!   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): You're ruining the movie!_   
  
The machine is about to crush them as QUI-GON drags JAR JAR behind him. Just as the transport is about to it them, QUI-GON drops, and JAR JAR goes splat into the mud with him. The transport races overhead. QUI-GON and JAR JAR pull themselves out of the mud. They stand watching the war machine disappear into the mist.   
  
_TOM: And the war machine lived happily ever after._   
  
JAR JAR grabs QUI-GON and hugs him.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Need… air…_   
  
JAR JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Um, I'm not that kind of guy._   
  
The frog-like creature kisses the JEDI.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): No tongue please._   
  
QUI-GON: Are you brainless? You almost got us killed!   
  
_TOM: Yes, he is._   
  
JAR JAR: I spake.   
  
QUI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get outta here!   
  
_(All three cheer)   
  
TOM: That's telling him!_   
  
QUI-GON starts to move off, and JAR JAR follows.   
  
JAR JAR: No...no! Mesa stay..Mesa yous humbule sercaunt.   
  
_CROW: Is Jar-Jar French?_   
  
QUI-GON: That won't be necessary.   
  
JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis. Mesa culled Jar Jar Binkss.   
  
In the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing OBI-WAN.   
  
_TOM: What exactly does STAP stand for?   
  
CROW: I don't know, but it sounds like a nasty STD._   
  
QUI-GON: I have no time for this now...   
  
JAR JAR: Say what?   
  
The two STAPS barrel down on OBI-WAN.   
  
JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Oh, nooooo! Weesa ganna...   
  
QUI-GON throws JAR JAR into the mud.   
  
QUI-GON: Stay down!   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): And shut up! For the rest of the movie, please!_   
  
His head pops up.   
  
_CROW: … and Qui-Gon slices it off with his saber.   
  
MIKE: That's a little harsh… well deserved, but a little harsh._   
  
JAR JAR: ...dieeee!   
  
_ALL: Yes, please!_   
  
The two troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects the bolts back, and the STAPS blow up. One-two.   
  
_TOM: …buckle my shoe. Three-four…shut the door._   
  
OBI-WAN is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Hey, breath! Come here!_   
  
OBI-WAN: Sorry, Master, the water fried my weapon.   
  
OBI-WAN pulls out his burnt lightsaber handle.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): I left it in the oven too long._   
  
QUI-GON inspects it, as JAR JAR pulls himself out of the mud.   
  
QUI-GON: You forgot to turn your power off again, didn't you?   
  
OBI-WAN nods sheepishly.   
  
_TOM: Baaaahhh!_   
  
QUI-GON: (Cont'd) It won't take long to recharge, but this is a lesson I hope you've learned, my young Padawan.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Don't call me that! In my native language it means "One who induces another to vomit."_   
  
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.   
  
JAR JAR: Yousa sav-ed my again, hey?   
  
_MIKE: Unfortunately._   
  
OBI-WAN: What's this?   
  
_TOM: An expensive special effect that is annoying beyond annoying._   
  
QUI-GON: A local. Let's go, before more of these droids show up.   
  
JAR JAR: Mure?! Mure did you spake??!?   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): No, I said more._   
  
OBI-WAN and QUI-GON start to run. JAR JAR tries to keep up.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Master, go faster! He's gaining!_   
  
JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Ex-squeezee-me, but da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up... Tis safe city.   
  
_TOM: If you consider a city where one needle puncture could cause the whole thing to flood to be safe._   
  
They all stop   
  
_CROW (singing): …in the name of love!_   
  
QUI-GON: A city!   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Maybe we can lose this thing in the crowd._   
  
(Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?   
  
JAR JAR: Ahhh, will...on second taut...no, not willy.   
  
QUI-GON: No??!   
  
JAR JAR: Iss emparrassing, boot...   
  
_CROW (Jar-Jar): I'm a sexual offender. The neighbors don't want me living there._   
  
My afraid my've bean banished. My forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goen back dare.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): What are we waiting for?_   
  
A PULSATING SOUND   
  
_TOM: It's the THX theme._   
  
is heard in the distance.   
  
QUI-GON: You hear that?   
  
JAR JAR shakes his head yes.   
  
QUI-GON: (Cont'd) That's the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way...   
  
OBI-WAN: When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little pieces, then blast us into oblivion!   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): So, you stay here and we'll go this way._   
  
JAR JAR: Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry!   
  
JAR JAR turns and runs into the swamp.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Quick, let's go the other way while we have the chance._   
  
_(All get up to leave)   
  
TOM: Oh, the agony.   
  
CROW: I feel dirty.   
  
MIKE: Suddenly I have a craving desire for frog legs._   
  



	2. Part 2

Star Wars Episode 1: The Definitive MiSTing Part II.   
  
Author: McCord   
  
See Part I for Disclaimer   
  


* * *

  
  
EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE - TWILIGHT   
  
QUI-GON, OBI-WAN and JAR JAR run into a   
  
_CROW: …a bar. Qui-Gon turns and says…(looks at Mike and Tom). Have you two heard this one before?_   
  
murky lake and stop as JAR JAR tries to catch his breath.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): Don't bother. It just keeps running._   
  
The TRANSPORTS are heard in the distance.   
  
QUI-GON : Much farther?   
  
_MIKE (Jar-Jar): If you ask that again I'm turning around and taking you home immediately._   
  
JAR JAR : Wesa goen underwater, okeyday?   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Actually, no, it isn't._   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN pull out small capsule from their utility belts that turn into breathing masks.   
  
_TOM (Batman): Robin, use the Bat-Breather!_   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) My warning yous. Gungans no liken outlaunders. Don't expict a wern welcome.   
  
_ALL: Huh? What the hell is a wern?_   
  
OBI-WAN : Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Smart ass._   
  
JAR JAR jumps, does a double somersault with a twist,   
  
_CROW: Now, was all that really necessary?_   
  
and dives into the water. Breath masks on, QUI-GON and OBI-WAN wade in after him.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): Wait, I need to blow up my floaties._   
  
EXT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN swim behind JAR JAR, who is very much at home in the water.   
  
_MIKE: Darn. I was hoping he'd drown._   
  
Down they swim into murky depths. In the distance the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct.   
  
_TOM: All of a sudden, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan find themselves thrust into James Cameron's The Abyss._   
  
They approach the strange, art nouveau habitat. JAR JAR swims magically through one of the bubble membranes, which seals behind him. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON follow.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Ugh. It feels like a giant Jello mold.   
  
CROW (Qui-Gon): I hate Jello.   
  
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Oh, come on, there's always room for Jello._   
  
INT. OTOH GUNGA - CITY SQUARE   
  
GUNGANS in the square scatter when they see the strange JEDI.   
  
_ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!_   
  
Four GUARDS armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged KAADUS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN TARPALS, point their lethal poles at the dripping trio.   
  
_BOTS: (snickering)   
  
MIKE: I thought I told you two to behave._   
  
JAR JAR : Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals, Mesa back!   
  
CAPT. TARPALS : Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.   
  
CAPT. TARPALS gives JAR JAR a slight zap with his power pole.   
  
_(All cheer at Jar-Jar's pain)_   
  
JAR JAR jumps and moves off, followed by the two JEDI.   
  
JAR JAR : How wude   
  
_CROW: …that I stole this line from the great Anthony Daniels and made it a mockery of its former self._   
  
INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM   
  
The Bosses' Board Room   
  
_TOM: …suprisingly looked very much like the one at Microsoft._   
  
has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand facing BOSS NASS, who   
  
_MIKE: …is really Judge Ito._   
  
sits on a bench higher than the others.   
  
BOSS NASS : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): What the hell did you just say?_   
  
QUI-GON : That droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.   
  
BOSS NASS : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.   
  
_TOM (Boss Nass): They always got better grades than I did in school._   
  
OBI-WAN : After those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): I mean, I know some people are into being dominated, but…   
  
(Mike clamps his hand over Crow's beak)   
  
MIKE: That's enough of that._   
  
BOSS NASS : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.   
  
OBI-WAN : You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): Or I will be forced to kill you._   
  
BOSS NASS : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no care-n about da Naboo.   
  
QUI-GON : (Waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): (deadpan) We're going to speed you on your way._   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Obi-Wan, I don't need you going and falling under the influence of my mind tricks._   
  
BOSS NASS : Wesa gonna speed yousaway.   
  
QUI-GON : We need a transport.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): We're going to give you a bongo._   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Stop that!_   
  
BOSS NASS : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da core. Now go.   
  
QUI-GON : Thank you for your help. We go in peace   
  
_CROW (Don Cornelius): …love, and soul._   
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to leave.   
  
OBI-WAN : Master, what's a bongo?   
  
QUI-GON : A transport, I hope.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Or a bong that I can smoke my crack rock in. Either way, it'll be a blast._   
  
The JEDI notice JAR JAR in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. QUI-GON stops. JAR JAR gives him a forlorn look.   
  
JAR JAR : Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!!   
  
QUI-GON : Thank you, my friend.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): I won't help him… I won't help him… I won't help him…_   
  
JAR JAR : Ahhh...any hep hair would be hot.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): Damn you._   
  
JAR JAR's soulful look is counterpointed by a sheepish grin.   
  
OBI-WAN : We are short of time, Master.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): He'll ruin the movie._   
  
QUI-GON : We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help.   
  
_ALL: Yeah, right._   
  
QUI-GON walks back to BOSS NASS.   
  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?   
  
BOSS NASS : Binkss brokeen the nocombackie   
  
_CROW: Oh, that's original. Is that the legal term?_   
  
law. Hisen to be pune-ished.   
  
_(All cheer)_   
  
QUI-GON : He has been a great help to us. I hope the punishment will not be too severe.   
  
BOSS NASS : Pounded unto death.   
  
_(All cheer ecstatically)_   
  
JAR JAR : (Grimacing) Oooooh...Ouch!   
  
OBI-WAN looks concerned.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): I'd enjoy seeing that, but it would bump the rating of the movie up to at least PG-13._   
  
QUI-GON is thinking.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): Don't hurt yourself, Master._   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): Smart ass._   
  
QUI-GON : We need a navigator to get us through the planet's core.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): Unfortunately, it seems no navigators are available, only Jar-Jar._   
  
I have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life debt."   
  
BOSS NASS : Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?   
  
JAR JAR nods and joins the JEDI. QUI-GON waves his hand.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Nothing up my sleeve… You may check the deck if you'd like._   
  
QUI-GON : Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.   
  
BOSS NASS : Hisen live tis yos, outlauder. Begone wit him.   
  
JAR JAR : Count mesa outta dis! Better dead here, den deader in da core...Yee guds, whata mesa sayin?!   
  
_MIKE: We've been trying to figure that out since you showed up._   
  
EXT. NABOO CITY - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)   
  
A strange little submarine propels itself away from the Otoh Gunga, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.   
  
_ALL (singing): We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine… _   
  
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER   
  
OBI-WAN in the co-pilots seat, JAR JAR guides the craft.   
  
_TOM: Oh, that's smart._   
  
JAR JAR : Dis is nusen.   
  
OBI-WAN : Master, why do you keep dragging these pathetic life forms along with us?   
  
_ALL: We'd like to know also!_   
  
...Here, take over.   
  
JAR JAR : Hey, ho? Where wesa goen??   
  
QUI-GON : You're the navigator.   
  
JAR JAR : Yo dreamen mesa hopen...   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Yeah, I'm hoping that also._   
  
QUI-GON : Just relax, the Force will guide us...   
  
JAR JAR : Ooooh, maxibig..."da Force"...Wellen, dat smells stinkowiff.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Sorry again, my fault._   
  
JAR JAR veers the craft to the left and turns the lights on. The coral vistas are grand, fantastic, and wonderous.   
  
_MIKE (tour guide): And to the left are the grand, fantastic, and wonderous coral vistas._   
  
OBI-WAN : Why were you banished, Jar Jar?   
  
_TOM (Jar-Jar): I'm really Jeffrey Dahmer in disguise._   
  
JAR JAR : Tis a long tale, buta small part wawdabe mesa...ooooh...aaaa.....clumsy.   
  
OBI-WAN : They banished you because you're clumsy?   
  
_CROW: Perfectly good reason if you ask me._   
  
As the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to follow.   
  
JAR JAR : Mesa cause-ed mabee one or duey lettal bitty axadentes...yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber...den banished.   
  
_(All three sit there scratching their heads)   
  
MIKE: Huh?   
  
TOM: What?   
  
CROW: Eh?   
  
MIKE: Anybody have a clue here?_   
  
Suddenly there is a loud CRASH,   
  
_TOM (fighter pilot): Iceman is down! I repeat, Iceman is down! I need a S&R unit, ASAP!_   
  
and the little craft lurches to one side. QUI-GON looks around and sees a huge, lumimnous OPEE SEA KILLER has hooked them   
  
_CROW (fisherman): And when you finish your beer, don't just throw it over the side of the boat. Fill it up with water so it'll sink to the bottom!_   
  
with its long gooey tongue.   
  
QUI-GON : Full speed ahead.   
  
_MIKE (Picard): Make it so._   
  
Instead of full ahead, JAR JAR jams the controls into reverse. The sub flies into the mouth of the creature.   
  
JAR JAR : Oooops.   
  
OBI-WAN : Give me the controls.   
  
_TOM: That's first intelligent thing Obi-Wan has done so far._   
  
OBI-WAN takes over the controls and the OPEE SEA KILLER instantly releases the sub from its mouth.   
  
JAR JAR : Wesa free!   
  
_MIKE (William Wallace): FREEDOM!!!!_   
  
As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws, munching on the hapless KILLER. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDO AQUA MONSTER. The lights on the tiny sub begin to flicker   
  
_CROW: Strobe light!   
  
ALL (singing): Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive…_   
  
as they cruise deeper into the gloom.   
  
QUI-GON : There's always a bigger fish.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Thank you, Captain Obvious.   
  
(Mike smacks Crow upside the head)   
  
CROW: What was that for?_   
  


* * *

  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE   
  
NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.   
  
_TOM (Nute): He looks familiar… hey, are you related to Senator Palpatine by chance?_   
  
NUTE : The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures.   
  
_CROW (Sidious): My filabuster was great. I started reading from an ancient Sith text. Knocked 'em dead. Of course, how was I supposed to know it was some ancient Sith curse?_   
  
By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.   
  
_MIKE (Sidious): I assume you'll have 'root' access by that time?_   
  
_TOM and CROW: Huh?_   
  
NUTE : The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : Queen Amidala is young and naive.   
  
_CROW: As evidenced by the fact that she has faith in the Senate._   
  
You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.   
  
NUTE : Thank you, My Lord.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS fades away.   
  
_TOM (Yogurt): May the Schwartz be with yooooouuuuuu….._   
  
_MIKE: All right, no more Spaceball jokes._   
  
RUNE : You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi?   
  
NUTE : No need to report that to him, until we have something to report.   
  
_CROW (Nute): I wanted time to put it in a nice Excel spreadsheet, and maybe add a Powerpoint presentation._   
  
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER   
  
Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the power drive drops.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Qui-Gon, I dropped the sound of the power drive. Could you hand it to me?_   
  
OBI-WAN : .....we're losing power.   
  
OBI-WAN is working with the sparking wires. JAR JAR panics.   
  
_CROW: There's a big surprise. _   
  
QUI-GON : Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.   
  
JAR JAR : What yet? Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and nooooo power! You nutsen! When yousa tink wesa In trouble?!!!?   
  
_TOM: Wow. Mike, did Jar-Jar just say something semi-intelligent?   
  
MIKE: If he said what I think he said, you're right._   
  
OBI-WAN : Power's back.   
  
The lights flicker on, revealing an ugly COLO CLAW FISH right in front of them.   
  
JAR JAR : Monstairs back!   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): I'd say we're in trouble right about now._   
  
The large COLO CLAW FISH is surprised and rears back.   
  
_TOM (biker): Watch! I can do a wheelee!_   
  
The sub turns around and speeds away.   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Wesa in trouble now??   
  
QUI-GON : Relax.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): Think about your happy place._   
  
QUI-GON puts his hand on JAR JAR's shoulder. JAR JAR relaxes into a coma.   
  
OBI-WAN : You overdid it.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Thank you, thank you, thank you._   
  
The COLO CLAW FISH leaps after the fleeing sub as it shoots out of the tunnel and into the waiting jaws of the SANDO AQUA MONSTER.   
  
OBI-WAN (Cont'd) This is not good!   
  
_TOM (Anakin): Hey, that's my line!_   
  
JAR JAR : Wesa dead yet?? Oie Boie!   
  
JAR JAR's eyes bulge, and he faints again. The sub narrowly avoids the deadly teeth   
  
_MIKE: Talk about getting away by the skin of your teeth!_   
  
_(BOTS groan)_   
  
of the AQUA MONSTER. The COLO CLAW FISH chasing them isn't so lucky. It is munched in half by the larger predator. The little sub slips away.   
  
QUI-GON : Head for that outcropping.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): We can hide in the corn field._   
  
EXT. THEED - MAIN ROAD INTO THEED - DAY (FX)   
  
The long columns of the DROID ARMY   
  
_ALL: Sig Heil!_   
  
move down the main road leading to Theed, the Naboo capital.   
  
_TOM: It's a droid Million Man March!_   
  
EXT. THEED PLAZA - DAY (FX)   
  
As the QUEEN watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying NUTE and RUNE lands in Theed Plaza. They exit the transport.   
  
_CROW (cab driver): That'll be $12.50._   
  
NUTE : Ah, victory!   
  
_MIKE (announcer): The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!_   
  
INT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)   
  
The little sub continue to propel itself toward the surface, which is brightly lit.   
  
_TOM (dive officer): Prepare to surface!_   
  
JAR JAR : Wesa dude it!   
  
EXT. THEED - ESTUARY - DAY   
  
Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a LOUD RUSH OF BUBBLES, and a small sub bobs to the surface.   
  
_CROW (kid): I got an apple! What do I win?_   
  
The current in the estuary begins to pull the sub backward into a fast moving river. OBI-WAN switches off the two remaining bubble canopies. QUI-GON stands up to look around. JAR JAR lets out a sigh of relief.   
  
_MIKE: Rolaids spells relief._   
  
JAR JAR : Wesa safe now.   
  
QUI-GON : Get this thing started.   
  
JAR JAR : Dissen berry good. Hey?   
  
OBI-WAN : What is it?   
  
_TOM: We're not sure either, Obi-Wan._   
  
JAR JAR looks back to where they're drifting. He sees they are headed for a huge waterfall.   
  
JAR JAR : What!!?? Oie boie!   
  
OBI-WAN tries to start the engine.   
  
_CROW: He should have got a Die-Hard battery._   
  
The long props behind the sub slowly begin to rotate. OBI-WAN struggles until finally, a few feet short of the waterfall, the sub starts and is able to generate enough power to stop drifting backward in the powerful current. The sub slowly moves forward. In the background, QUI-GON takes a cable out of his belt. The engine coughs and dies. They start drifting backward again. JAR JAR panics.   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Iyiiyi, wesa die'n here, hey!   
  
_TOM: Please, please do._   
  
QUI-GON shoots the thin cable, and it wraps itself around a railing on the shore. The sub pulls the cable taut, and the little craft hangs precariously over the edge of the waterfall.   
  
QUI-GON : Come on...   
  
OBI-WAN climbs out of the sub and pulls himself along the cable. QUI-GON starts in after him.   
  
_MIKE: And now, the star rope artists for the Ringling Bros. Circus, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi!_   
  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Come on, Jar Jar.   
  
JAR JAR : No! Too scary!   
  
OBI-WAN : Get up here!   
  
JAR JAR : No a mighty no!   
  
_ALL: Yes, please! Just stay on the boat!_   
  
JAR JAR looks back and sees he is hanging over the waterfall.   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Oie boie...mesa comen. Mesa comen!   
  
_(All sigh in disappointment)_   
  
JAR JAR starts to climb out of the sub. OBI-WAN is on shore and helps to pull QUI-GON out of the water.   
  
OBI-WAN : That was close.   
  
BATTLE DROID 3B3 : (O.S.) Drop your weapons!   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): Don't sneak up on me like that! I about had a heart attack!_   
  
The two JEDI turn around to see a BATTLE DROID standing in front of them. JAR JAR climbs up on shore between the JEDI.   
  
BATTLE DROID 3B3 : I said drop your weapons   
  
QUI-GON ignites his lightsaber, and in a brief flash,   
  
_CROW: Ewww… Qui-Gon's a flasher. Don't you wear anything under that robe?_   
  
the DROID is cut down by the JEDI. A stray laser bolt hits the cable and the sub breaks lose, crashing down the waterfall.   
  
The JEDI move on. JAR JAR reluctantly follows and looks back at the mess.   
  
JAR JAR : Whoa!!!   
  
_TOM: Since when did Keanu Reeves play Jar-Jar?_   
  
EXT. THEED - PALACE - DAY   
  
The waterfalls of Theed sparkle in the noonday sun.   
  
_CROW: Sure, it's not Niagara, but it'll do._   
  
INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY   
  
QUEEN AMIDALA, SIO BIBBLE, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS (EIRTAE, YANE, PADME,   
  
_TOM: Hey, isn't Padme really…   
  
MIKE: SHH! Don't give it away!   
  
CROW: Oh, like everyone doesn't already know._   
  
RABE, SACHE) are surrounded by TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN PANAKA and FOUR NABOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NUTE and RUNE stand in the middle of the room.   
  
BIBBLE : ...how will you explain this invasion to the Senate?   
  
NUTE : The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured it will be ratified by the Senate.   
  
_MIKE: Why do the bad guys always feel it necessary to share their plans to the captive good guys?_   
  
AMIDALA : I will not cooperate.   
  
_CROW (Amidala): I want to save myself until I'm married._   
  
NUTE : Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people. In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our point of view. Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward) Process them.   
  
OOM-9 : Yes, sir!   
  
_TOM: He sounds just a little too gleeful there._   
  
(Turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.   
  
The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.   
  
_MIKE (drill sergeant): Hamlet's mama, she's a queen…   
  
BOTS (prisoners): Hamlet's mama, she's a queen…   
  
MIKE (drill sergeant): Buys it in the final scene…   
  
BOTS (prisoners): Buys it in the final scene…   
  
MIKE (drill sergeant): Drinks a glass of funky wine…   
  
BOTS (prisoners): Drinks a glass of funky wine…   
  
MIKE (drill sergeant): Now she's Satan's Valentine!   
  
BOTS (prisoners): Now she's Satan's Valentine!_   
  
EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY   
  
QUEEN AMIDALA, PADME, EIRTA, YANE, RABE, SACHE, CAPTAIN PANAKA, SIO BIBBLE, and FOUR GUARDS are led out of the palace by ten BATTLE DROIDS. The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp.   
  
_TOM (mad motorist): Hey! Don't pass on the right you a-hole!_   
  
Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR sneak   
  
_CROW: Well, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sneak. How they don't see Jar-Jar we have no idea._   
  
across on a walkway above the plaza and jump from a balcony to begin an attack to rescue the QUEEN.   
  
FOUR BATTLE DROIDS are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS move forward and are also cut down by the JEDIS' flashing   
  
_MIKE: What's the obsession by these guys about flashing the battle droids? The queen and the handmaidens I can understand…_   
  
lightsabers until there is only the DROID SERGEANT left. The SERGEANT starts to run but is pulled back to QUI-GON by the Force, until finally he is dispatched by the JEDI.   
  
JAR JAR : Yousa guys bombad!   
  
QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. JAR JAR is getting used to this. They move between two buildings   
  
_TOM: …where they are ruthlessly mugged and left for dead._   
  
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Chancellor.   
  
BIBBLE : Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): No shit, Sherlock._   
  
QUI-GON : The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA steps forward.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : They've knocked out   
  
_MIKE: Tyson in the first round?_   
  
all our communications.   
  
QUI-GON : Do you have transports?   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : In the main hanger. This way.   
  
_TOM (Panaka): Well, one transport, actually. A big, slow silver one that has no weapons, inadequate shielding, and only enough power to get to Tatooine._   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): It's perfect!_   
  
They disappear down an alleyway as the ALARMS are sounded   
  
_ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!_   
  
_MIKE: Okay, no more alarm jokes either._   
  
_(All get up to leave)   
  
MIKE: I think I need a shower.   
  
TOM: I think I'm going to throw up.   
  
CROW: Why Lucas, why?!   
  
(All three leave theater)_   
  



	3. Part 3

Star Wars Episode 1: The Definitive MiSTing Part III.   
  
Author: McCord   
  
See Part I for Disclaimer   
  


* * *

  
  
_(Tom, Mike, and Crow enter)   
  
TOM: I hope this is relatively painless.   
  
CROW: I'm sorry you'll be disappointed.   
  
MIKE: Now, what kind of attitude to have is that?   
  
BOTS: Realistic._   
  
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - HALLWAY - DAY   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hanger. QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Bet everything._   
  
OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, and the rest of the group are behind him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by about FIFTY BATTLE DROIDS. ALARMS can be heard in the distance.   
  
_ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!_   
  
_MIKE: Okay, so we broke our promise. Sue us._   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : There are too many of them.   
  
QUI-GON : That won't be a problem.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): I took Calculus in college. After that, all problems seem trivial._   
  
(To Amidala) Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant   
  
_MIKE: I prefer the Egg McMuffin.   
  
TOM: He said Coruscant, not Croissant!   
  
CROW: Putz._   
  
with us.   
  
AMIDALA : Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): Did you know you'll be put in a concentration camp?_   
  
_CROW (Amidala): Where did you want me to go again?_   
  
QUI-GON : They will kill you if you stay.   
  
BIBBLE : They wouldn't dare.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her.   
  
QUI-GON : The situation here is not what it seems.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): For example, I'm not wearing any underpants._   
  
There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move here.   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): They moved their Queen out way to early, exposing their King to attacks from their Bishops._   
  
My feelings tell me they will destroy you.   
  
BIBBLE : Please, Your Highness, reconsider.   
  
_TOM (Bibble): The blue really brings out the color in your eyes, while the strips just make you look frumpy._   
  
Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us... Senator Palpatine will need your help.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness. Any attempt to escape will be dangerous.   
  
_MIKE (Z): 'Dangerous' is my middle name. Actually, it's really 'Marion,' but don't let that get around._   
  
BIBBLE : Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can...They will have to retain the Council of Governors in order to maintain control. But you must leave...   
  
The QUEEN turns to PADME and EIRTAE.   
  
AMIDALA : Either choice presents a great risk...to all of us...   
  
_TOM (Amidala): Bush isn't the brightest apple off the tree, but I'm convinced Gore had to be wrapped up in that whole 'Zipper Gate' thing Clinton had going on…_   
  
PADME : We are brave, Your Highness.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Hey! That's really the Queen!_   
  
QUI-GON : If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.   
  
AMIDALA : Then, I will plead our case before the Senate.   
  
_MIKE (Amidala): We'll need Johnny Cochran and his famous 'Chewbacca' defense._   
  
_CROW (Johnny Cochran): Now this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie. Wookies live on Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on Endor. Does that make any sense? Am I making any sense? If it doesn't make sense, you must acquit._   
  
(to Bibble) Be careful, Governor.   
  
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - DAY   
  
The door opens to the main hanger. QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, CAPTAIN PANAKA, TWO GUARDS, and THREE HANDMAIDENS (PADME, EIRTAE, RABE), followed by QUEEN AMIDALA, head for a sleek chrome spacecraft.   
  
_TOM: Oh, that isn't noticeable._   
  
SIO BIBBLE, YANE and SACHE stay behind. The HANDMAIDENS begin to cry.   
  
_CROW: Pansies. _   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : We need to free those pilots.   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA points to TWENTY GUARDS, GROUND CREW, and PILOTS held in a corner by SIX BATTLE DROIDS.   
  
OBI-WAN : I'll take care of that.   
  
_MIKE (Panaka): Smug bastard._   
  
OBI-WAN heads toward the group of captured pilots.   
  
QUI-GON and the QUEEN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, JAR JAR, and the rest of the GROUP approach the GUARDS at the ramp of the Naboo craft.   
  
_TOM (flight attendant): Thank you for flying Delta. We'll be boarding shortly. Please have your ticket and boarding pass ready._   
  
GUARD DROID : Where are you going?   
  
QUI-GON : I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.   
  
DROID GUARD : You're under arrest!   
  
_CROW (Chris Rock): You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, we'll give you the dumbest f**k we have! You get Johnny Cochran, I'll kill ya!_   
  
_MIKE: Wow, two Lethal Weapon and two Johnny Cochran references and we're only in the third part of the story._   
  
The DROID GUARD draws his weapon,   
  
_TOM (Bugs Bunny): (holds out notepad) There.   
  
MIKE (Yosimite Sam): Say… that's a pretty nice drawing there. I'm not so bad with and pen and paper myself._   
  
but before any of the DROIDS can fire, they are cut down. OTHER GUARDS run to their aid.   
  
_CROW (Droid Guard): MEDIC!_   
  
OBI-WAN attacks the GUARDS around the PILOTS. QUI-GON stands, fighting off DROIDS as the OTHERS rush   
  
_MIKE (Rushee): So, what benefits does the fraternity life have to offer?_   
  
_CROW (Brother): Well, we have mixers with sororities, a pool table, parties once a month, and all the alcohol you can consume without puking upper your lower intestine._   
  
on board the spacecraft. OBI-WAN, the FREED PILOTS   
  
_TOM (Slave): Thank you, President Lincoln! Thank you!_   
  
(including RIC OLIE), GUARDS and GROUND CREW MEMBERS rush on board the ship. The OTHER PILOTS and GUARDS race   
  
_CROW (announcer): Jeff Gordon is in the lead in the number 24 car, but coming up hard from the inside is Earnheart in the number 3._   
  
to SIO BIBBLE. After everyone has made it onto the ship, QUI-GON jumps on board. ALARMS sound.   
  
_ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!_   
  
MORE DROIDS rush into the hanger and fire as the ship takes off.   
  
EXT. THEED - HANGER ENTRY - DAY (FX)   
  
The ship exits the hanger. BATTLE DROIDS standing in the hanger shoot at them.   
  
_TOM (Battle Droid): Hey! The droids shooting at it in the previous shot didn't do anything! So why the hell are we shooting at it also?_   
  
EXT. SPACE (FX)   
  
The sleek spacecraft speeds away from the planet of Naboo and heads for the deadly Federation blockade.   
  
_CROW: Well, at least they're not Star Destroyers._   
  
_MIKE: Just wait until Episode II._   
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT   
  
The PILOT, RIC OLIE, navigates toward the massive battleship, QUI-GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch.   
  
RIC OLIE : ....our communications are still jammed.   
  
_CROW: Mike, please….   
  
MIKE: Okay, okay.   
  
CROW (Dark Helmet): Raspberry! Only one person would dare use raspberry…Lonestar!!!_   
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD   
  
JAR JAR is led into a low, cramped doorway by OBI-WAN.   
  
OBI-WAN : Now stay here,   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): And don't leave until I say so. Which, if it's up to me, won't be until Episode IV._   
  
and keep out of trouble.   
  
OBI-WAN closes the door. JAR JAR looks around and sees a long row of five short, dome-topped ASTRO DROIDS (R-2 units). The all look alike,   
  
_ALL (singing): One of these things is not like the other…_   
  
except for their paint color, and they all seem to be shut down.   
  
JAR JAR : Ello, boyos. (No response) Disa wanna longo trip...hey?   
  
JAR JAR taps a bright red R-2 UNIT on the head,   
  
_(All cover their eyes so they don't have to watch what they know is coming)_   
  
and its head pops up a bit. He lets out a gasp as he lifts the head.   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Tis opens?...Oooops!   
  
Many springs and things come flying out. JAR JAR quickly closes it again, very embarrassed.   
  
_CROW: Mike, is it really possible for someone to die of embarrassment?   
  
MIKE: I hope so, Crow, I sincerely hope so._   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Yoi! Just yoken!   
  
RIC OLIE : Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shield up, at maximum.   
  
_ALL: Huh?   
  
MIKE: Hold on! Time out!   
  
(Movie stops. Mike turns around)   
  
MIKE: Hey, author-guy! Yeah, you with the keyboard!   
  
AUTHOR: Uh, yeah?   
  
MIKE: What the hell was that?!   
  
AUTHOR: Sorry. Every copy of the script I found online had the same error, so you three can just kiss my ass.   
  
MIKE: Oh. Um, okay. Carry on._   
  
The lone BLUE DROID finishes his repairs and goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft races away from the Federation battleship.   
  
_CROW: F-4.   
  
TOM: You sank my battleship!_   
  
RIC OLIE: There won't be enough power to get us to Coruscant...The hyperdrive is leaking.   
  
_CROW: The EPA will hear of this!_   
  
QUI-GON: We'll have to land somewhere to fuel and repair the ship.   
  
QUI-GON studies a star chart on a monitor.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): See, Obi-Wan? There's Orion, and the Big Dipper, and just below it is the Little Dipper…_   
  
OBI-WAN : Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The Trade Federation has no presence there.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): And, conveniently, it was in two of the three previous Star Wars movies._   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : How can you be sure?   
  
QUI-GON : It's controlled by the Hutts...   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : The Hutts??   
  
_CROW (Qui-Gon): Yes, the Hutts. Did I mumble, or do you just like repeating what I say?_   
  
OBI-WAN : It's risky...but there's no alternative.   
  
_ALL (singing): Well we don't sound… like Madonna… here we are… we're Nirvana…_   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters...   
  
_MIKE (Al Capone): I resent that._   
  
If they discovered her...   
  
QUI-GON : ...It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation...except the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us an advantage.   
  
_TOM (announcer): Advantage Mr. Jinn. Break point._   
  
CAPT. PANAKA takes a deep breath in frustration.   
  
EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)   
  
The Naboo spacecraft races away.   
  
_ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!_   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM   
  
NUTE and RUNE sit around a conference table   
  
_CROW (Nute): King me.   
  
TOM (Rune): I hate checkers._   
  
with a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.   
  
NUTE : We control all the cities in the North   
  
_MIKE (Nute): I'm doing better than General Lee!_   
  
and are searching for any other settlements...   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy...slowly...quietly. And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?   
  
_CROW (Sidious): I want peace in the Middle East before I die._   
  
NUTE : She has disappeared, My Lord. One Naboo cruiser got past the blockade.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed.   
  
NUTE : My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range.   
  
_TOM (Nute): I never was a very good three-point shooter._   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : ...not for a Sith...   
  
A second SITH LORD appears behind DARTH SIDIOUS.   
  
DARTH SIDIOUS : (Cont'd) ...Viceroy, this is my apprentice.   
  
_MIKE: Bozo the Clown?_   
  
Lord Maul.   
  
_MIKE: Oh._   
  
He will find your lost ship.   
  
NUTE : Yes, My Lord.   
  
The hologram fades off.   
  
NUTE : (Cont'd) This is getting out of hand...now there are two of them.   
  
RUNE : We should not have made this bargain. What will happen when the Jedi become aware of these Sith Lords?   
  
_CROW (Mace Windu): Hand me my lightsaber. It's the one that says "bad mother f**ker" on it._   
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS   
  
_(Bad 70's disco music plays)   
  
BOTS: YES!!!!   
  
MIKE: Hey! Cut that out!_   
  
QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and the LITTLE BLUE DROID stand before QUEEN AMIDALA and her THREE HANDMAIDENS, PADME, EIRTAE and RABE.   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : ...An extremely well put together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.   
  
_TOM (Panaka): And also set up this awkward and obviously forced scene._   
  
AMIDALA : It is to be commended...what is its number?   
  
The LITTLE BLUE DROID lets out a series of bleeps.   
  
_CROW (Artoo): Do I get a medal this time?_   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the DROID and read the number:   
  
CAPT. PANAKA : R2-D2, Your Highness.   
  
AMIDALA : Thank you, Artoo Detoo. You have proven to be very loyal...   
  
_CROW (Amidala): Very, very loyal…_   
  
_MIKE and TOM: Huh?_   
  
Padme!   
  
PADME bows before the QUEEN.   
  
AMIDALA : (Cont'd) Clean this droid up the best you can. It deserves our gratitude...   
  
_MIKE (Amidala): Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?_   
  
(To Panaka) Continue, Captain.   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA looks nervously to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.   
  
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine.   
  
_TOM (Qui-Gon): If there was a bright center to the universe, you'd be on the planet it's farthest from._   
  
It is a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There we will be able to make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.   
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA : Your Highness, Tatooine is very dangerous.   
  
_CROW (Panaka): Almost as dangerous as New York._   
  
It's controlled by an alliance of gangs called the Hutts. I do not agree with the Jedi on this.   
  
QUI-GON : You must trust my judgement, Your Highness.   
  
AMIDALA and PADME exchange looks.   
  
_MIKE (Amidala): Padme, you know I have my father's eyes.   
  
TOM (Padme): Oh, gross! Amidala, put those away!_   
  
PADME moves next to the DROID.   
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA   
  
PADME sits in the Main Area, cleaning R2-D2, the brave little Astro Droid. JAR JAR pops out of an open door.   
  
_ALL: AHHHHH!_   
  
_TOM: I'm going to have nightmares for weeks now!_   
  
JAR JAR : Hidoe!   
  
Both PADME and ARTOO jump and let out a little SCREAM.   
  
_CROW (Padme): I thought they locked you in the hold!_   
  
The Gungan is embarrassed that he frightened them.   
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Sorry, nomeanen to scare yousa.   
  
PADME : That's all right.   
  
JAR JAR : I scovered oily back dare. Needen it?   
  
_MIKE (Artoo): Oil… can… Oil… can…_   
  
PADME : Thank you. This little guy is quite a mess.   
  
JAR JAR hands PADME the oil can.   
  
_TOM (Jar-Jar): Could you put lotion on my back?_   
  
JAR JAR : Mesa Ja Ja Binksss...   
  
PADME : I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness, You're a Gungan, aren't you? (Jar Jar nods) How did you end up here with us?   
  
JAR JAR : Me no know...   
  
_CROW: Neither do we._   
  
mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom....getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before mesa knowen it...pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs)...getten berry berry skeered.   
  
_(Mike whimpers in pain)   
  
TOM: I feel your pain, man._   
  
ARTOO BEEPS a sympathetic beep.   
  
_TOM: See? So does Artoo._   
  
INT. ANBOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT   
  
OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch over RIC OLIE'S shoulder.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): I'm telling you, bet it all. There's no way he's got anything to beat that.   
  
CROW (Ric Olie): Okay, okay. (pushes chips out)   
  
TOM (Panaka): I'm out. Too rich for me._   
  
A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. RIC OLIE searches his scopes.   
  
_CROW: Too bad what he's looking for is just out the window._   
  
OBI-WAN : That's it. Tatooine.   
  
_MIKE: Thank you, Captain Obvious.   
  
TOM: Not again…_   
  
RIC OLIE : There's a settlement...a spaceport, looks like.   
  
QUI-GON : Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.   
  
_CROW: Oh, so landing OUTSIDE of the spaceport instead of in a hanger makes you LESS suspicious… right…_   
  
EXT. TATOOINE - SPACE (FX)   
  
The ship heads toward the planet of Tatooine.   
  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)   
  
The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust.   
  
_(All cough)_   
  
The spaceport of Mos Espa is seen in the distance.   
  
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA   
  
OBI-WAN is hoisting the hyperdrive out of a floor panel.   
  
_MIKE (Obi-Wan): AHHH! Hernia!_   
  
JAR JAR rushes up to him and falls to his knees.   
  
_ALL: EWWWW!_   
  
JAR JAR : Obi-Wan, sire, pleeese, no mesa go!   
  
OBI-WAN : Sorry, Qui-Gon's right. You'll make things less obvious.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Plus, you'll be out of my hair._   
  
JAR JAR walks back to ARTOO in the hallway as QUI-GON (dressed as a farmer)   
  
_ALL (singing): Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed... poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed..._   
  
enters the main area.   
  
OBI-WAN : (Cont'd) The Hyperdrive generator is gone.   
  
_TOM (Obi-Wan): I told you to lock the ship up, but no... "I'll only be gone for a few minutes," you said..._   
  
We will need a new one.   
  
QUI-GON moves closer to OBI-WAN   
  
_(Mike clamps Crow's beak shut violently)_   
  
and speaks quietly to him.   
  
QUI-GON : Don't let them send any transmissions.   
  
_MIKE (Qui-Gon): I have limited minutes on my cell phone plan._   
  
Be wary...I sense a disturbance in the Force.   
  
OBI-WAN : I fell it also, Master.   
  
_CROW (Obi-Wan): Or is that just gas?_   
  
QUI-GON goes into the hallway to meet up with ARTOO and JAR JAR. They head to the exit ramp.   
  
_TOM: I concur with that statement.   
  
(All head for exit)_   
  



End file.
